Personal: Treacherous Terrain

There hasn’t been much passing through the Writing Desk as of late, and for that I feel I should apologize. As most of you know by now, I struggle with depression and that fight happens on a number of fronts. Some days, it’s the typical “feeling bad/sad/angry” thing. Others, it’s a fight simply to do anything. This happens with writing, especially when I commit to trying to do something on a regular basis. Unfortunately, the terrain of my emotional state is impossible to map out — making plans becomes a laughable endeavor because of that.

So, when I say that I’d love to be able to have something on the Desk three times a week, that’s what would happen in a perfect world where I wasn’t fighting my brain so constantly to do the things I need it to do. And there are a lot of things I need it to do — my precious willpower has to go towards increasing responsibilities at my day job, trying to make sure I stick to my diet, exercising on a regular basis, preparing for a role-playing game that I (try to) run twice a month, working on short stories and keeping up with friends and all they’ve got going on. When it’s difficult just to get out of bed, or focus for long enough to write an email, all of this other stuff seems impossible.

Still, I’ll keep trying. I’ll do my best to stick to the Monday-Wednesday-Friday publishing schedule I’ve set for myself, and I’ll keep working to write more frequently and efficiently. But while I work this stuff out, there’ll be gaps where you won’t here from me. Those will be the time where my to-do list has piled up to the point where I’m having trouble coping with it all. Of course, something has to give.

In the end, you probably won’t notice that much of a change — I’ll still post as much as I always do, I’m sure. But this is something of a public declaration to give myself permission to let it go; part of relieving the stress I’ve put myself under is realizing I have the power to let myself off the hook every now and again.

So, there we are: the format for the blog will be a bit looser, at least mentally. I want to make sure that when I’m writing here it’s because I’m passionate about something and feel the need to share that with all of you. If it feels like this big deadline that I have to meet, I’m far more likely to just…rush something out so I can say I’ve done it. While being able to hit deadlines consistently is a noble goal, I’m just not sure that I can do it with the current state of my mental health. Maybe once I’ve managed that a little better.

In the meantime, be well and keep writing, you crazy kids.